Emotional Crap.

It is so unbearably hard to pretend I’m fine when really I’m not. Insanely hard. Smile cracked and wavering, eyes stinging, blinking away tears that won’t quite come. My throat is like sandpaper, but it’s been like that for a while so I don’t think the two are related. Often I’ll stare into nothing for five, ten minutes, doing nothing but stare. In those times I’m not even conscious of thinking. Sometimes. And those are the best times. But then I’ll shake myself and blink and I’ll be back here, feeling this pain.

I realised the other day that I only seem to remember the bad things. And small things can devastate me. Like, it is insane how much tiny, tiny things can set me back. I actually tried to make myself disassociate {and yes, both ‘disassociate’ and ‘dissociate’ are valid spellings, even my spell check tells me that. One is the American spelling and the other is the right spelling J } the other night to make me forget something. I just didn’t want to have that sadness in my head or in my heart.

Is it bad that, now that I know I do it, I’m trying to use it to my advantage? Maybe, I will concede that. But I think I’m allowed. I remember EVERYTHING and I don’t want to have to. So if I have this tool in my arsenal, this magic wand to take away the bad, I will try and use it. At least I’m not getting oblivion drunk to get rid of the memories. At least I’m not hurting myself physically. That has to count for something, right?

I don’t know.

Anyway, this post is about emotions. Why do I feel them so strongly? Why does every tiny little thing hurt like it’s the end of the world? Maybe because it is. I wasn’t taught how to deal with my emotions when I was younger, maybe because nobody knew the extent to which I was different, mentally and emotionally. Maybe because I never started feeling things this strongly until I was 18 or 19 years old. That’s when I had my first anxiety attack, my first 3 month long bout of depression, my first love…

It’s true, all my emotions and the divide between positive emotions and negative ones grew exponentially stronger when I hit 18/19. I do not know why. There is a very black and white division between my emotions, and the physical memory thing sticks for emotions as well. Just as I cannot remember what my little finger looked like before I had this scar on it, and I cannot remember what I looked like 6 months ago, as far as I’m concerned I always looked like this and always will; when I am sad I cannot remember ever being happy and I cannot imagine ever feeling happy again.

I wish it was like that when I’m happy but honestly, I have no idea what it’s like when I’m happy.

When I am sad (like I am right now) I can still laugh, I can still be amused, I can still be excited or smile. But the underlying emotion is sadness and that bugger won’t go away. No matter how hard I try.

People have tried telling me things, all sorts of things “just pretend you’re happy and it will go away” “cheer up” “just forget about it” “let it go, it’s in the past”…

Ad infinitum.

Doesn’t work like that. And considering some of the people telling me this claim to have had anxiety or depression, you think they’d understand that.

Stupid brain.

Lessons - Patience

If there’s one thing that fishing (one of my avid hobbies) has taught me, it’s to be patient. Gardening as well. That whole “good things come in time” saying? Well it’s doubly true for either of those hobbies.

Not only do you have to be patient, but you also have to do the groundwork for a good result. You can’t stand by a patch of dirt and expect a plant to grow – you have to plant a seed and nurture it, water it, shelter it, make sure the soil is rich in minerals and stuff. You can’t just throw a hook in the water, empty, and expect a fish to jump on for a ride – you have to bait the hook, maybe add something sparkly or smelly to get the fishes attention, put burley into the water so they know there’s food around, park up in a place that has the right conditions for the species you’re targeting.

So many factors (those and then some) go into just the groundwork for those two things. Then there’s still the waiting. It’s all worth it, in the end, for the time you spend enjoying the results of your time and effort. With fishing, if you’re in the right mood, it’s worth it just for the experience – sitting out there on the sea, the excitement and anticipation…

Yeah… these are the random thoughts that come to mind.

I Think I'm Disassociating

I've been feeling funny since about four this afternoon (so 3 hours roughly).

I told The Aspie Bestie just now, how I feel, and her first suggestion was disassociation {yeah, I just linked to a Wiki page... how terrible of me!}.

Although how I feel right now (and it's something I've felt before on multiple occasions) is not what I associated with disassociation - Merm disassociates and I've been with her in in situations that she says she disassociates -  I read that, then gave myself a mini test, running through the "sample disassociative experiences scale".

Yes... yes... no.... sometimes... yes...

Okay not only am I likely disassociating right now but I do it more often than I realised!

{I suppose I should stress that I am only possibly disassociating... Self diagnosed disassociation?}

Time feels fuzzy and out of reach, like it's slipping by too fast. I could blink and it'll be midnight before I've remembered to eat. I'm going from not feeling temperature, to being cold with shivers, staying in one position for so long I go numb, my nose and face feel kind of tingly. There's other stuff too but the main thing is feeling like I'm having problems with reality; time and space.

I can't explain it.

If it is disassociation, I have an idea of why. A maybe reason.

See, I have this insane optimism when it comes to applying for jobs. I latch onto the idea of getting the job I'm applying for (although usually the optimism comes when I have the first interview, not right at the point of application), I fall in love with the job... And then, invariably, my hopes are dashed as I don't get the job. One particular job I applied for last year, I couldn't leave my bed for two days after the second interview out of nervous excitement, and then I got the call saying I hadn't got the job and I couldn't leave the bed for two days out of utter despondent depression.

Well, I applied for a job today, because my current contract is fast running out. It took me an hour to complete the forms, but I started at around 4pm. And just because of how ideal the timing of this job seems, and it's a semi-good fit, I've been feeling kind of excited, kind of positive about this job.

So I think maybe my mind has decided to play baby-sitter. Disassociate me, distance me from the excitement {it's not really working that well, the disassociating is giving it a weird added excitement} so that I can't be hurt.

I'm not sure, maybe I'm wrong.

All I know is my wrist looks weird, not-mine even though it's attached to my hand as I'm typing. My skin feels weird and my finders seem to be not a part of my body... And oh crap this is making me think of other things, other times where I at least partially disassociate and I'm starting to get worried... I can think of an excuse for this time but I have no idea about the others! I can't wait until next week, when I have what I can only call "auditions" with two different counsellors, so I can find one that's the right fit. I feel more and more like I need a counsellor...

Sometimes the random-est pictures, taken for the hell of it, find a way of having so much meaning... This picture sums up how I feel... Out at sea, parts of me barely a part of reality and just little bits of me so real...

Psychic Dreaming

I now feel quite confident in saying that last night I had a prophetic dream.

Basically, without saying anything that I’m unsure if I can say, in my dream last night I demanded that my team leader give me training in a specific area of work, because I needed to know it. This was – other than having the randomness of dreaming – part I’m sure because I have wanted to at least learn this specific area of work since I saw the different screen they have.

But anyway, just now our team leader announced to our group that, rather than doing the area of work we thought we would be moving on to after this one, we will be going to the area of work that I just dreamed about last night.

Can this be coincidence? Well, maybe. But I preferto believe I’m a little bit psychic. Yay me!

My Lists {And A Rant About Conversational Skills/Things}

Every day, at the start of or during the day, I write myself a To-Do list of things I want to get done after work. But before I write today’s To-Do list, I go through and cross out everything on yesterday’s To-Do list. A tick for everything I did do, a cross for everything I didn’t do.

More often than not, there are more crosses than ticks. And everything that’s crossed gets either carried on to the next day’s list, or (eventually) wiped off completely. And then, forgotten about until it becomes urgent.

That’s just the way my mind goes.

And it seems that today’s post is going to involve general ranting rather than just focusing on one topic {for now… we’ll see how this goes. Sometimes a general rant grows into something more deep that needs its own post}. That is, after all, the joy of being me. Things that need writing get written and one topic bleeds into the next until we’re taking over the world!!!

Yeah.

There’s a girl away today. Her desk (which is in the central ‘hub’ area of our section in the cube farm, where the main group of socialising people) is empty. I was tempted to ask if I could sit there today. Just to have a bit of human interaction.

I didn’t ask in the end though {not that one hour into the working day is too late to ask… or is it?}. I might like the socialising, actually having people to talk to, or I might hate it. Too many people talking when I’m trying to work. Or the other problem, the usual problem. They’d ignore me, or talk over me, or invalidate me.

That always happens.

I don’t know what it is about me but… People are always talking over top of me (I hate that), interrupting me (I hate that too), just acting like I never said anything (yup, hate that too) or  making my words wrong so it sounds like I’m being a bitch or insensitive or… There are so many aspects of verbal communication that I hate. Mostly because of the way I’m treated when I talk.

I had a great – granted, not earth-shattering, but viable at the very least – idea at work that would have saved time and helped increase initial accuracy thus decreasing the time spent doing what my team is doing right now. However it took me too long to iron out the details in my mind, so I presented it a day too late and didn’t verbalise myself well enough, and I possibly didn’t tell the right person. So it was shot down as being a waste of time before it could even get past lower management.

 {I can, however, still use this as an example in future job interviews, I think, if I give it the right spin. After all, it is still an example of “When did you see a way that things could be changed at work, did you tell anyone and what was the reaction?” which is a fairly commonly asked interview question. This is something (preparing myself for the necessity of future job interviews, and refining myself) that I need to seriously think about, as my contract nears its end. And with this being my first office role, it’s doubly important… I might have to add “prepare job interview answers” to my To-Do list this week.}

Yeah, I got distracted. Majorly distracted. But that’s my flow. From why I hate talking to people, to prepping for a job interview in two easy paragraphs.

Now back to why I hate talking to people:

Well, there are really many reasons. The aforementioned are the main ones though. People misunderstand my intentions. I speak to fast or too quietly and people don’t understand what I’m saying. I use the wrong words and again I get misunderstood.

I learnt early on that to get my words heard I needed to speak louder, but my fear of not being heard (coupled with my trouble regulating the volume of my words) means that I often end up shouting. I get accused of trying to intimidate people, or ‘stand over’ them. I get told that I’m not listening to what people say which is wrong, I’m just trying to also get my words heard. When I get frustrated, I swear, which also isn’t looked favourably upon, but if I consciously try not to swear then I can’t get any words out, I stammer more, and I eventually end up crying.

Since getting this job (and maybe it’s just coincidental that this coincided with me getting my official diagnosis) I have been noticing my problems with speech more and more. At times, rather than say something that I know I’m going to have to repeat, I write down the main points and just hand that over to my team leader. It is, after all, all about knowing your weak points and having ways to overcome them… Actually I don’t know if that’s the best idea or not {is doing things like that just invalidating me as a person in the end? Stressing me out by making me try to function on an NT level when I’m not NT? Or is it a good thing, finding alternate ways of communicating when my way is inefficient? I really do not know…}

Conversational timing is a bit of an issue for me. Not just knowing when to speak, but the fact that I am polite and I will let people finish what they’re saying before I take my turn (because I had it, not literally, hammered into me at a young age that it’s incredibly rude to interrupt people). This is a problem mostly because by the time they’ve finished blathering on about whatever annoying thing they’re saying, they’ve either taken our conversation away from the direction where my statement would be appropriate, made it so my opinion wouldn’t contribute anything (thus invalidating my statement), or I’ve clear forgotten what it was I wanted to say.

The forgetting happens more and more frequently. At the moment, I’m thinking about blaming this on the build-up of pressure caused by trying to function on an NT level socially. Either that or just an increased level of social interaction which means that there’s an increased incidence but statistically it would remain the same (one forgetting in ten conversations is ten forgettings in a hundred conversations and a hundred in one thousand conversations, but they all have the same incidence of occurring).

{And Wow! I keep remembering something that’s totally relevant to this train of thought, but by the time I’ve finished what I’m writing, even if it’s only seven words, I forget what it was that I wanted to add, only remembering the fact that it’s something I’ve thought about adding before and forgotten. I think that is a hint that this blog post at the very least, has reached its finishing point.}